I’m not afraid of monsters or other made-up stuff
None of them are real, I’m sure
(well, sure enough).
The thing that truly frightens me, sets my hairs on end
Is something more mundane, on which our lives depend.
It’s food. Glorious, dangerous food! My brother told me so.
He opened my eyes to reality, and the hundred lies that flow
From out the mouths of parents, the biggest sneaks of all.
They know the truth – every word – prepare to be appalled!
Every meal is based upon a lie, from breakfast to your tea.
We know muesli is rabbit droppings and sawdust, on that we all agree,
But did you know that some “bad” foods are good for you,
And some “good” bad, from an enlightened point of view?
Cheese doesn’t come from cows – how ridiculous! It’s made by bees,
Inside their hives, where coughs and sneezes spread the cheeses.
Chicken is for cowards, and chowder makes you louder,
Cornflakes taste better, topped with chili powder.
Pasta makes you faster. Water rots your teeth.
Noodles come from poodles, plucked from their beneath.
Mixed-up hens make scrambled eggs.
Choccy ice cream cures dizzy legs.
Hops are made by rabbits. Spaghetti’s really worms.
Rice is really maggots, covered in maggoty germs.
There are E, F and G numbers in almost everything
These are vital for dancing, for cha cha cha and swing.
Custard and mustard are both one and the same.
Fish fingers are fish feet, but what’s in a name?
Chilli makes you cold, and stew makes you fester.
Stuffing comes from pillows, filled with polyester.
A Victoria sponge is best used for washing in the bath.
A trifle is no small matter, however seems it daft.
And all green veg is (obviously) bogey-based
Plucked from an over-sized nostril, and laughingly laxative-laced.
Baklavas should be worn on the head, especially during winter.
Runner beans should only be eaten if you are a sprinter.
All fast food should be eaten super, super quick.
And rocket’s really dynamite – just give it a lick!
But the worst lie of the lot, concerns those hairy fruits called Kiwis.
I can scarcely say it, would you believe, they’re actually made from wee-wees?
This tale of woe, of eyes and mouths forced open, is all too sadly true.
What you choose to do with this, is completely up to you!
flickr.com/photos/md9/2322500331 / Creative Commons