The greatest smell in the history of the world (poem)

Have you heard the tale of the greatest smell the world has ever smelt?
This frothy frightening nose-terror was from a framptious bottom dealt

It happened one balmy night in the height of the English summer,
Beginning in the bowels of the unassuming Walter Hummer.

Walter was a quiet lad, with some natural talent in this regard:
Sensing that a record was in his grasp, he started training hard.

He came up with a diet that was not for the faint-hearted
A full-on feast of fibrous foods that would spell danger if he  

For breakfast he’d scoff down doughnuts, burgers, cheesy chips,
Beefy enchiladas, spicy nachos and some dips.

For lunch, a meat feast pizza, as meaty as it comes,
A bucket of fried chicken; a side of curried plums.

For dinner, onion bhajis, kebab, a hearty vindaloo
A bulging bowl of Brussels sprouts completes this toxic brew.

And in between, he’d snack on baked beans all throughout the day
Seasoned with garlicky onions, lentils and cabbage on the way

Heroically, he kept up this regime for several days on end
And kept on forcing food in, watching his belly distend.

By the time that Friday came, that tum was fit to burst.
Gurgling, churning, glugging, roiling, as poor Walter cursed.

Until at noon, his fermenting tum reached a critical mass:
With a YELP of pain and a CRACK of thunder he started leaking gas

The noise itself was long and terrible, but nothing to what ensued
As the fearsome fartball exploded forth in manner lewd and crude.

It rushed around the globe, wrinkling noses in Chile, Chad and China
In the history of noxious smells, there’s really nothing finer.

As the sinister smell swirled and whiffed around the world
Old ladies twirled, exclamations were hurled; hair was curled.

As for Walter, being at the epicentre had really left its mark:
The boy stood in a daze, as if savaged by a shark.

His hair bleached white; his teeth fell out; he couldn’t sit for a week.
Yet not once did his smile shift, for having created that reek.

For Walter, no record books, no statue, his achievement unseen:
But pong pride is more priceless than any prize from the Queen.


22 thoughts on “The greatest smell in the history of the world (poem)

  1. Reblogged this on Myths of the Mirror and commented:
    My Blogland buds seem to relish a quick wit, and Al the Author is a source of abundant laughs. This hysterical poem made me think I was 10 again. I mean, who can resist elegantly executed fart poems? Not me. Without further ado, in case you missed it… The greatest smell in the history of the world. Enjoy!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Bah ha ha! Great poem! Reminds me of the time my boyfriend (now hubby) and I were waiting in a very crowded line to register for classes, in the office, jammed into a restricted space with too many other students. Then, the stench. I looked right at him and fought like hell not to laugh. It was his silent bomb, and very soon we were in a much less crowded space.

    Liked by 2 people

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