9 tips for new bloggers… from an old Cockney gangster…

Wizened old cockney man-crone: (huskily) ‘ere, son, come over ‘ere a minute…

Fresh-faced cherub: What is it grandad?

WOCMC: Grandad? Grandad? I’m only 27.
(a cough from the back of the room)
Fack off.

FFC: No offence meant… senior person-type thing… you look a bit like Brick Top from Snatch – did you know that?… so, what do you want? I was just about to publish my first blog post…

WOCMC: Yeah, it’s about that. ‘ardest game in the world, blogging.

FFC: Really?

WOCMC: No, not really. Unfortunately it’s a piece of piss. Getting started, anyhow. ‘ave you seen some of the royal shit on ‘ere?

FFC: No, I haven’t had the pleasure. Should I have?

WOCMC: (whispering) Don’t be too obvious now. (Louder) Oh, I could tell you some things about blogging, alright… stories that’d make your hair burn…

FFC: It’s okay, I think I’ve got a handle on it. I did find this post from Hugh very useful.

WOCMC: Oh, you did, did you? Yeah, I’ve ‘eard of him. He’s disappeared a few people over there in Wales in his time. Never ‘ad the pleasure meself. Anyway, the problem with that Hugh is he’s nice. Actually likes trying be all helpful, if you can imagine.

FFC: And that’s a problem because?…

WOCMC: (extra husky) I ain’t nice.

FFC: I beg your pardon?

WOCMC: I said I ain’t nice. You got treacle in your ears, sunshine? If you want me to read the shit you put on your blog, you’re gonna have to fackin’ work for it.

FFC: (pleading) But I’ve been reading some articles about how to make a million from my blog in the first week!

WOCMC: (laughs, pisses him/herself) Never mind that shit, you prize twerp! Here are my top 9 tips to get actual people to follow you

FFC: Shouldn’t it be a Top 10?

WOCMC: (shakes head) ‘ow little you know…


9 rules for ‘appy blogging

1. Don’t be BORING. You may not be a comedian, sunshine, but there ain’t no excuse for not being interesting.

2. Don’t APOLOGISE. Just say what you gotta say, treacle.

3. Pick a theme that don’t make me VOMIT

4. A FOLLOW for a Follow? You ‘avin’ a laugh?

5. Don’t BEG for me to come and look at yer blog. ‘ave a bit of respect for ye’self.

6. EXPERIMENT…slowly

7. Don’t EXPECT. Build your crew up slow, like.

8. Not TOO MUCH/ OFTEN. Ain’t got no time for blabbermouths…

9. Not too BROAD. This ain’t the London Palladium, and you ain’t Bruce Forsyth, god rest his soul.



27 thoughts on “9 tips for new bloggers… from an old Cockney gangster…

  1. How strange! Not you!!!!!
    Yesterday I started a poem, in a similar vein, with alternate lines spoken by a toff and an indeterminate geordie/yorkshireman/brummie.

    Love the rules and can empathise totally. Nothing more guaranteed to hit the delete button than a “do come and look at my blog…….”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Now I can see where the script writing is coming in. I especially love #8. “I ain’t got time to read one post per day let alone all the others you publish on the same day.” Those are my words to myself when the email box gets blocked. I need to find a plumber. Saturation? Is that a new bad word for the world of blogging?
    Cheers for the mention, Al. 👍

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love your blogging tips. Trying to stick to some of them, actually. But, instead of trying to be interesting, I just write about what is easy or comes to mind. Might be boring. Everyone has some work to do. Right now, my blog is more of an outlet than a means to something else. What else might that be? I dunno…. a bigger following? To reach that goal, one needs to focus more on that blog and do smart things and pick interesting topics and be nice, like your friend Hugh. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • I think those who “try” to be interesting are doomed to fail… But if you talk with passion about a subject that you are interested in (which you do, for the record) , that tends to be “interesting”, almost regardless of topic (like a post I read recently on the old tunnels under London). Anyway, your way of life, and the adventures you have, is so different to my own life that it is inherently interesting to me! (I remember reading once that even Brad Pitt must think his own life boring – we each become blinded to our own day to day stuff, simply because it’s the norm for us!)

      Being more like Hugh is excellent advice, for anyone 😀

      Liked by 2 people

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