Wizened old cockney man-crone: (huskily) ‘ere, son, come over ‘ere a minute…
Fresh-faced cherub: What is it grandad?
WOCMC: Grandad? Grandad? I’m only 27.
(a cough from the back of the room)
FFC: No offence meant… senior person-type thing… you look a bit like Brick Top from Snatch – did you know that?… so, what do you want? I was just about to publish my first blog post…
WOCMC: Yeah, it’s about that. ‘ardest game in the world, blogging.
WOCMC: No, not really. Unfortunately it’s a piece of piss. Getting started, anyhow. ‘ave you seen some of the royal shit on ‘ere?
FFC: No, I haven’t had the pleasure. Should I have?
WOCMC: (whispering) Don’t be too obvious now. (Louder) Oh, I could tell you some things about blogging, alright… stories that’d make your hair burn…
FFC: It’s okay, I think I’ve got a handle on it. I did find this post from Hugh very useful.
WOCMC: Oh, you did, did you? Yeah, I’ve ‘eard of him. He’s disappeared a few people over there in Wales in his time. Never ‘ad the pleasure meself. Anyway, the problem with that Hugh is he’s nice. Actually likes trying be all helpful, if you can imagine.
FFC: And that’s a problem because?…
WOCMC: (extra husky) I ain’t nice.
FFC: I beg your pardon?
WOCMC: I said I ain’t nice. You got treacle in your ears, sunshine? If you want me to read the shit you put on your blog, you’re gonna have to fackin’ work for it.
FFC: (pleading) But I’ve been reading some articles about how to make a million from my blog in the first week!
WOCMC: (laughs, pisses him/herself) Never mind that shit, you prize twerp! Here are my top 9 tips to get actual people to follow you
FFC: Shouldn’t it be a Top 10?
WOCMC: (shakes head) ‘ow little you know…
9 rules for ‘appy blogging
1. Don’t be BORING. You may not be a comedian, sunshine, but there ain’t no excuse for not being interesting.
2. Don’t APOLOGISE. Just say what you gotta say, treacle.
3. Pick a theme that don’t make me VOMIT
4. A FOLLOW for a Follow? You ‘avin’ a laugh?
5. Don’t BEG for me to come and look at yer blog. ‘ave a bit of respect for ye’self.
7. Don’t EXPECT. Build your crew up slow, like.
8. Not TOO MUCH/ OFTEN. Ain’t got no time for blabbermouths…
9. Not too BROAD. This ain’t the London Palladium, and you ain’t Bruce Forsyth, god rest his soul.