Pets and their owners

They say that pets look like their owners… This is called “my cat’s a sexy motherf*cker”

Your dachshund may be a darling
And your terrier drive a truck
You may think your pet’s amazing…
But mine’s as sexy as f*ck

So your gerbil’s got some game
And your schnauzer isn’t a schmuck
Your pets each have their qualities…
Mine’s as sexy as f*ck

You may really dig your degu
Think your Pekinese is full of pluck
I couldn’t be any happier for you…
But mine’s as sexy as f*ck

Your ferret may bring you good fortune
And your black cat carry good luck
I’ve won the bloody lottery, mate…
‘cause mine’s as sexy as F*CK!


My cat, this afternoon


Haiku – Cat

If you are looking for something serious or beautiful, please move along. I struggled with this prompt for some reason, until the floodgates opened in a distinctly tongue-in-cheek vein during a bout of insomnia. Apologies…

According to cops,
My house was cat-burgled… They
Stole tins of tuna

Mafia employed
“Hit-cats” to scare enemies…
Corpses left in shoe

Cat drug police swoop:
Seize illegal catnip stash.
Street value – three pounds

Cat’s time on Facebook:
Half spent playing Candy Crush;
Half on human memes

New tactic announced
In War on Dog Terrorists:
Win over humans

Cat’s search history:
Youtube vids of dumb humans,
And dumb dog snuff tapes

Cat mortician.
Sometimes buries bodies.
Sometimes doesn’t



Written for:

Monday Musing… The Worst Day…

Everyone has a bad day from time to time. Maybe not “attacked-by-a-bear-then-left-to-die-in-the-woods” bad, but everyday bad. Even those we see as being particularly blessed will have a shocker now and again. Bill Gates will get his wang caught in his fly. Dave Grohl (“nicest man in rock”) will accidentally drop a “c-bomb” in front of his mum at a family dinner. David Beckham will get completely ignored in public, while his son gets spotted and subjected to trial by selfie. Donald Trump will accidentally put the hamster on his head, while his wig is being cleaned…

Yeah, I’m keeping this build-up light. Last Thursday was a shocker for me. And that saying about things coming in threes? Yep, that too.

Thursday morning, out of the blue, I got told at work I’m going to be made redundant. In the afternoon, a serious health scare for someone very close to me, that will need surgery.

These are both major shocks to the system, but it was the one that happened in between that made me break down and cry like a baby.

I saw my cat die.

While getting changed out of my work clothes, brain whizzing about with what I’m going to do next, how we’re going to pay the mortgage/ feed the kids/ get through this one, I watched my cat die on the bed, right next to me.

With no warning, she lay her head on its side, and just curled up like a leaf closing, pulling in on herself. The air slowly leaving her body. A balloon silently deflating.

I patted her and stroked her, saying her name over and over, but there was no reaction. I patted her a bit more urgently. Nothing.

Her heart wasn’t beating.

Her lungs weren’t working.


I started blubbing like a baby, sobbing her name.

Maybe ten seconds later, she lifted her head up and let out a couple of angry mews (pain?).

I went to stroke her, but she ran off and hid downstairs. She was a bit skittish for the rest of the day, but otherwise acted the same as normal. A bit mental, a bit stand-offish, very demanding about food. You know, like a normal cat.

I know my cat, and I know how she reacts to things. I am absolutely certain that she died. And yet here she is now, nuzzling around my feet, acting within her normal parameters of strangeness.

Maybe her throat closed or something. I don’t know. Do cats suffer from anaphylactic shock?

So with those big three things happening on the same day, the one that made me really cry, and is making me well up recalling it, was my cat dying. For a bit.

Go figure.



My cat. Definitely just napping this time.

OctPoWriMo #24 – The Cat on the Stair

The cat sat.
Sat and stared.
Sat and stared upon the stair.
Upon the stair, it sat and stared.

It was a cat and mouse affair.

Without the mouse.



Today’s OctPoWriMo prompt was to search through the photos at until you find one that sparks a story poem for you…





Cat’s Gift (poem)

A birthday poem for my friend, Jenny…

Cat’s Gift

I brought my human a gift
She didn’t seem best chuffed.
It’s getting to be a habit, with
All my efforts rebuffed.

She didn’t like that frog.
Got squeamish ’bout the mouse.
Didn’t care a bit for
That bug from under the house.

She wasn’t at all grateful,
When I ate that spider’s legs,
And didn’t seem to share my joy
On finding bird’s nest eggs.

I don’t know what to do now:
Everything seems wrong.
Maybe I can win her back
With a tuneful midnight song?

Darcy pose

Next door’s cat (poem)

Next door’s cat’s annoying
The beastie’s name is Foo
A scrawny looking thing
With one green eye, one blue

Next door’s cat’s annoying
It howled all through the night
Came up to our window
And gave our mog a fright

Next door’s cat’s annoying
It always does a wee
Beneath my Grandma’s rose bush
(And worse behind the tree)

Next door’s cat’s annoying
Now it’s on the roof!
Sauntering about,
Acting all aloof

Next door’s cat’s annoying
It’s spoiling for a fight
I’ve a mind to give it one
But some say that’s not right

Next door’s cat’s annoying
In the garage once more!
Done its business in my shoes
And sprayed the freezer door.

Next door’s cat’s annoying
If I had my way
I’d buy that pest a one-way ticket
To somewhere far away

5827332576_553738e65c_z / Creative Commons

Piano (haiku)

Here are two contributions for TJ’s weekly haiku challenge, on “piano” theme. The first is reflective, the second more playful. Hope you enjoy these! Check out some great haiku (and stunning photography) here:

Unplayed piano
Waits in a dusty corner
For just one more song

Jaunty melody,
Discordant tinkling of keys;
Cat on piano!


C is for… Cats’ Lives (poem)

My cat lost its first life
Through curiosity
(Hanged by a ball of wool)

The second, fell from a tree.

Third, tried and died of shame.

Fourth, eaten by a kestrel, who played it like a game.

Fifth, chased a butterfly right off a cliff.

Sixth, fell from a witch’s broomstick, and ended up a stiff.

Seventh, got trapped in Schrödinger’s box.

Eighth, overthrown in the mouse revolution, and dashed upon the rocks

Which goes someway to explain my cat’s motto…