A gratuitous bribe

One way to win people over is with the power of your words… another way is bribery… another bit of January fun to #banishtheblues !

Oopsy me, how careless
I don’t know what to say
You said there was no charge…
But I thought I had to pay

So here’s some rhyming chocolate
A piece of poem pie
Left down on a table
With a winking of my eye

And just in case you do not love
Those words what I have wrote
You’ll find beneath this poem
A crisp new ten pound note

 

🙂

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/dysanovic/197527093

 

 

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Sleep In Beauty

One way to #banishtheblues is through humour. There are other ways…

My beauty, my love, my heart’s desire,
Curls up beside me, in front of the fire
Sleeping so soundly, peaceful, serene,
Enjoying the deepest and softest of dreams.

I snuggle in behind her, cuddle her tight,
Whisper so gently, what I’d do tonight,
If only she’d wake and kiss me right here
Imagine the sounds those ears would hear…

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/cuppini/622856689

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Then There Was One

To help us all get through the dismal dirtsack we lovingly call January, I’ve started a #banishtheblues hashtag. I’d love it if you joined me! Just write, or draw, or photograph, something light, or fun, or happy, or even joyous… anything to #banishtheblues !

This is another that was written as part of an (unsuccessful) application to join the funeverse, a children’s poetry collective. It was inspired by Jion Sheibani’s sharktastic image of a shark looking hungrily at eight teeny tiny fish…

There’s eight of us, and one of him
No need to feel afraid
If we just stick together,
He’ll need First AND Second Aid!

Oh, we’re down to seven,
Mikey’s wandered off…
He had been feeling peaky,
With that ticklish, wheezy cough

But still, we’re strong at seven!
Err… has anyone seen Jill?
Six is plenty to beat that shark
We’ll not end up like those krill!

There’s six, sorry five, of us
He’ll be quaking in his boots
There’s plenty here to scare him.
No need for new recruits.

Us five will hold the line…
Oops, we’re down to four.
I hope that shark can’t count,
That he isn’t keeping score!

Still, four’s a goodly number…
Now where has Betty gone?
We only need to stick together,
Stay with me, come on!

Three will see us right…
Err… guess it’s just us two
I reckon we’ve got his number,
We’ll take him, me and you!

Simon? Simon? Where’ve you gone?
No time for playing games!
Well, if you want me Sharkey,
You’re going down in flames

What d’you mean you’re full?
I think you’re full of it.
If you won’t face me, coward,
You’d better run off quick!

 

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The Night Before Christmas, 2016

I wrote this as my entry for the Amazon competition, for a modern take on The Night Before Christmas. I’m guessing I didn’t win, so here it is for your seasonal entertainment, from this Grinchiest of writers 🙂 Merry Christmas everyone!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all over town
A sprinkling of snow began to come down.
Few could remember the last time it snowed
But on this night of enchantment, soft magic flowed.

A gentle white blanket, a snuggly sheet
Covered each house, every flat, every street.
Inside each bed, wrapped-up children slept well
As their hopes and their dreams started to swell.

They’d been good this year. Perhaps an X-Box
Would be under their tree, and not silly socks!
Maybe an i-Pad, or mobile phone,
Some books or some films, maybe even a drone!

Anything but socks would bring them a smile,
…Or Gran’s knitted jumpers, in her own special style!
So the children slept on, and their parents did too
(Mum dreamt a long list of jobs she must do…)

Then out in the garden, a hullabaloo,
Awoke one small child, who took in the view:
Santa and crew had been riding too fast
Racing the Space Station as it flew past!

They’d landed too hard; a crash and a bump:
Santa collided with reindeer rump!
His big belly wobbled. He laughed and he said,
“Time for mince pies. Time we were fed!”

Santa – with help – filled a sack up with toys
Whispering softly to keep down the noise.
The boy in his bedroom was straining to hear,
But didn’t want Santa to know he was near.

He peeked around curtains, moved barely a muscle
As Santa continued his sack-filling bustle.
Then stroking and feeding each one of the team
Using the light from Rudolph’s nose-beam!

Santa greeted each reindeer, from Dancer
To daredevil Dasher, and Cupid, and Prancer.
To red-nosed Rudolph, Donner and Blitzen
To cranky old Comet, and tricksy young Vixen.

The boy held his breath. He dared be no louder!
As Santa got out the pink magic powder,
Sprinkled a little to enter the house…
The dust made him shrink to size of a mouse.

(Santa liked chimneys, despite soot and ash,
But moved with the times as quick as a flash.)
He popped up in the house, next to the tree,
With his sack on his shoulder to spread Christmas glee.

He placed the presents for every good child
By the sparkly tree; carefully piled.
Helped himself to a mince pie or two,
And picked up some carrots for his reindeer crew.

He drank up the milk, and licking his lips,
Took a quick look around, his hands on his hips.
With a stroke of his beard, he spied by itself,
A cheeky but lonely, elf on the shelf.

He greeted the elf like a long-lost old friend,
And made sure to move him along to the end.
Between Advent chocolate, baubles and lights
Wrapping blue tinsel all ‘round his red tights.

With a rub of his tummy, his work here complete
Santa sprinkled some dust to make his retreat.
Back to the reindeer, waiting outside,
And hopped in his sled to continue this ride!

Santa took the reins, but before taking flight
He turned to the boy, winked in the moonlight,
Beamed him a smile, so happy and bright:
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/pagedooley/3124443099

A Halloween poem – deconstructed

Trying to write a scary poem
To get things off my chest.
So many ways to start,
I wonder which is best.

Do I go for ghoulish,
Or something more refined?
Do I make the horror clear,
Or leave it to the mind?

Then there comes the rhyming
Of all those scary creatures.
Zombie? Vampire? No rhymes.
Do I focus on their features?

And how to make things scary,
In the structure of the rhyme?
It’s hard to make the reader jump
When they can guess ahead in time.

Maybe I should back off.
Leave this one to the writers.
Poets are tender lovers
But terrible monster fighters!

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Beware the Chocolate Spiders!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The haunting time of year!
When chocolate spiders hatch,
Spreading candy fear!

You may think that’s just a costume,
A Halloween disguise
But take a second look:
Count that creature’s eyes!

Don’t think of trick OR treat:
To them it’s all the same!
Weaving caramel webs
Around your window frame…

Lurking in the darkness…
Hiding out of sight…
Then dropping down in front of you
Giving you a FRIGHT!

You yelp and drop your candy;
Sprint off down the street
Those spiders give a cackle
And eat up every treat!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The chocolate spider scare!

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The Rhyming Dead… Ice-Cool Daryl

the-walking-dead-should-daryl-dixon-keep-his-rocket-launcher-842012Another one from the vaults, in advance of The Walking Dead returning for Season 7 today… hopefully fun for non-Watchers too! This was written after Daryl got his hands on a rocket launcher… 🙂

Action hero Daryl
Ain’t missing that ‘bow
The boy changed up
Watch that rocket go!

He’s cooler than Beck,
Beyoncé and Dre
He’s cooler than bobsledding
On a silver tray

Daryl’s looking fly
Better clear the room
Bad dudes in his sights
Time to go BOOM!

He’s cooler than Jack Nicholson
On Oscars night
Cooler than a vampire
With a massive overbite

He’s cooler than dinner,
With the Dalai Lama
Or even playing bongos
With Barack Obama

Daryl’s looking fly
Better clear the room
Bad dudes in his sights
Time to go BOOM!

He’s cooler than Marty
On a future hoverboard
Cooler than flying on
The very last Concorde

He’s cooler than Miles Davis
Feeling kind of blue
Cooler than Frozen
(If that film’s for you)

Daryl’s looking fly
Better clear the room
Walkers in his sights
Time to go BOOM!

He’s cooler than James Bond
In a white tuxedo
Or getting ten friends
To hold up a casino

Cooler than Pharrell
Singing “Happy” to my mum
Cooler than Animal
And a big bass drum

You can jet-ski across the ocean
Or hang-glide to the moon
Form a hip-hop barber shop
And release a funky tune

But you’ll never be as cool
As Daryl D. Dixon
He’s infected with cool.
He has a cool affliction!

Daryl’s looking fly
Better clear the room
Got you in his sights
Time to go BOOM!

The Rhyming Dead…

Anyone else excited about The Walking Dead coming back for Season 7 next week? They left us on that shocking cliffhanger… here’s a quick recap to remind you!

Rick had acted recklessly
Deciding to attack
Now, in the woods at midnight
There was no turning back

The Saviors have numbers
And weapons on their side
With eyes and ears everywhere
There’s no place left to hide

Negan is their leader
Swinging ’round Lucille
His bloody, battered baseball bat
Wrapped in barbed wire steel

Rick and Glenn and Daryl,
Maggie and Michonne,
On their knees and crying,
A long, long way from home

Rick’s hubris led them there
And now they pay the price
No cavalry to rescue them
No last roll of the dice

Negan cruelly toys with them
Going up and down the line
Playing eenie meenie minie
As they tremble in the pines

Then he chooses one
And Lucille she starts to hack
It could be any one of them –
The camera fades to black

A truly horrifying end
For one of our valiant crew;
But for the viewer, even worse –
A shocking thing to do!

 

For those who’ve NEVER watched The Walking Dead, there’s still time (and I’m not judging… you’ve been busy, right?)… John Cleese (no less) has prepared this summary of all previous six seasons in four delicious, gory minutes! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sU0eizwlejs

 

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Originally published on : https://otvmagazine.com/2016/04/16/the-rhyming-dead-lucille/