Last Day of the School Year (poem)

Thirty tiny Santas
Struggle up the street
Loaded down with presents
Sweating in the heat.

Middle-class one-upmanship
Has claimed another thing
An excess of extravagance
Bundled in pink string!

M&S has emptied
Of fancy cakes and wine;
Handfuls of handmade jewellery
Ostentatiously designed;

Bouquets of beautiful flowers;
Diamonds and green gems;
Darling designer dresses,
All with tailored hems;

A personally signed picture,
Of footballer David Beckham;
A weekend at a health retreat,
In regency Cheltenham;

Crystal champagne flutes;
A piece of the Turin Shroud;
Original Oriental carpets;
(Olga looked ever so proud)

Sultry, silken scarves;
A fine, fake, fox-fur coat;
Some early designs by da Vinci…
And little Susie with a SPEEDBOAT!

So if you’re looking for a bargain,
Get onto ebay tonight.
It wasn’t like this in my day,
But for some the price’ll be right!

Couldn’t resist this picture, courtesy of

F is for… First Day of School (poem)

First day of school
Lined up in a row
Stand behind a crying one
Who doesn’t want to go

Shuffle in in silence
Knowing no one’s name
Hand-in-hand clutched tightly
Others do the same

The whistle blows – PEEP!
Teacher leads them in

I stand there sobbing
Tears dripping from my chin

first day of school

Monster School Rules (poem)

NO LAUGHING. No licking
No bogey picking

No hissing, no hitting
No scaring, no spitting

No tugging, no talking
No weaving or walking

No crawling, no creeping
No classroom sleeping

No running, no roaring
And no being boring

No bashing, no bumping
No back of head thumping

No sliming, no squelching
No burping or belching

No smelling the roses,
No picking your noses
No cleaning and eating the fluff from your toeses

No furtling or fooling
No down-your-front drooling

No hiding, no seeking
No cheating or peaking

No fire, no ice
No “acting all nice”

No climbing, no cussing
No farting or fussing