Limerick – Berk

I’m trying a new challenge this week. Esther Newton provides a range of prompts for different types of poems or stories every week. Check it out here!

For some, their time spent at school
Is a time for playing the fool
But on starting work
Don’t be a berk
Knuckle down, and play by the rules!

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/sabbianpaine/13695597924

My resumé… in limericks

In my post about funny job names on Friday (https://altheauthor.wordpress.com/2016/05/13/whats-in-a-job-name/), my friend Elizabeth made this comment: “You should write your entire resumé in limericks. They will be blown-away by your wordage skills, or possibly think you are completely insane.”

Guess what I’ve done… Vote for (a) blown away, or (b) insanity, below!

(Incidentally, every word of this is true, save for some artistic licence with the name of a major toy retailer)

In my teens, I went with the flow
Following where the winds did blow
From Video Vision
To Geoffrey’s Toy Mission
And ended up calling bingo!

At uni I studied the law
By the end, couldn’t take any more
Feeling a fool
I worked for a school
But it paid pennies, leaving me poor

I temped for a bit – that’s life
Working through everyday strife
But the weirdest one
When all’s said and done
Was being managed and paid by my wife!

A job came up with the cops
I wasn’t sure I had the chops.
The first choice said no,
The second deported home
So I pulled out the analysis stops!

I spent ten years looking at crime
Having a whale of a time
But the budget was slit
Redundancy hit
And I was cut down in my prime

After four months of searching in vain,
I got back on the working train
A similar role
To before the dole
But short contracts proved a right pain

I scrabbled and eked out a post
To last up to three years, at most
Then a new boss came in
Upset everything:
I moved on before I was toast

I transferred to another team
And for a time it went like a dream
Then they wanted me gone
My dreams all went wrong
I quit, but wanted to scream

So here I am talking to you
Wondering what on earth I can do
To pay the bills,
No drama, no frills,
And not end the day feeling blue!

Freedom

Freedom

Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/eulothg/4667459067

What’s in a (job) name?

I’ve recently had to leave my job in “challenging” circumstances, and am urgently trying to find another job to pay the bills, keep the house, put clothes on the kids backs… you know, the usual curveballs that life throws in.

While I’ve been searching, I’ve come across some great job titles that I wanted to share with you, some of which may be commonly used without even thinking about them. These cover a variety of roles in society – to be very clear, it is only the title I am mocking! (And that’s without getting into the almost euphemistic nature of some roles – the worst locally being “public realm operative”. I’ll buy an ebook off anyone who can guess what that one really is!)

Web Developer – to help out Spiderman?

Domestic Violence Co-ordinator – because the only thing worse than domestic abuse, is the fact that it happens in an uncoordinated way

Clinical Fellow – well, I’ve always been a fairly clinical sort of chap

Kitchen Assistant – how much help can one kitchen need?

Practice Manager – practicing until the day they’ll be a real manager

Branch Administrator – there’s a lot of paperwork in those trees

Bank Chaplain – so those who’re refused loans have someone to pray with

Independent Chair – all those other ones are so needy

Patient Co-ordinator – the impatient need not apply

Penetration Tester … bet this isn’t as interesting as it is in my head!

Have you come across any unintentionally hilarious job titles? And what do you think a public realm operative does??

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/clement127/13661779374

The Jobs Fair

Another set of lyrics for what could be an autobiographical C&W song… Hope you enjoy!

Went down to the jobs fair
To find myself a job
Went down to the jobs fair
’cause I’m no lazy slob

The lady at the jobs fair
Asked me about my skills
That lady at the job fair
Asked what gives me thrills

I said to the job fair lady
“Well, I like writing rhymes
It may not seem like much to you
But it passes all my time”

Well, the lady at the job fair
She pushed a little more
“I know you’re outta work now,
But what’d you do before?”

And I stood there at the job fair
And I described it thus:
“Every day I stood up
To get knocked down by a bus

And as I lay there bleeding
The crows would peck my eyes
And the foxes there would feast on
A tender soul surprise”

Now maybe that’s a stretch,
But that’s just the way I felt
Working for the big man
Play-ing the hand I’m dealt

There’s gotta be a better way
To live an honest life
I just wanna feed my family
My two boys and my wife

So I said to the job fair lady,
“Can’t I write for cash?
My family’s needs are simple.
Nothing all that flash.”

Well, the lady at the job fair,
She laughed right in my face.
“Poems sell for pennies!
You gotta get back in the race”

Well, if poems sell for pennies,
Then I’ll just write some more
Yes, if my poems sell for pennies
I’ll write a whole bunch more

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/51550312

The Two-Minute Manager – 2 – LOVE

Here’s the second update from guest blogger, See Ye-Oh, with her unique take on all things romantic…

“With Valentine’s Day mercifully receding into the distance behind us, some thoughts for you on mixing love and work:

A leadership tip:
Beware of Valentine’s Day
Lessers WILL love you

Love is a weakness
Bond only with the useful
To drive you forward

Change your perspective
See compromise as failure
Assert your vision

Hearts break
Flowers die
Clear your vision
Touch the sky”

 

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The Two Minute Manager – 1

One of the things that happens when you write a lot of haiku, is that you make friends with others who are similarly afflicted. One person I came across on my haiku travels is quite unlike any other… After many emails to agree an appropriate fee, he is writing a series for my blog, with complete editorial control of content… So please give a warm welcome to See Yi-Oh, management guru!

“Some people who consider themselves managers have read, studied and memorised the influential 80s text, One Minute Manager. Idiots! One minute isn’t long enough to take a dump. If these people had spent twice the time, they’d be twice the manager.

“Why not three minutes, or even ten, you ask? Because time is money, and you’re worth every penny. Even if you did have to ask that.

“I’ve agreed to post some thoughts here on what I’ve learnt from business, commerce and leadership, in two-minute digestible chunks. Forget the rest. This is the only management guide you’ll ever need. It will be packed full of insight to remind you why you’re the boss, and to take it to the next level.

“Why write it in haiku? Because time is money, and you’re worth every penny.

Haiku is a whetstone to sharpen your dull wits.

No flab. Read. Learn. Achieve.”

Always be well-groomed:
Your image is everything.
Sweat is for lessers.

The lessers will flap
(Panic, fret, freeze, moan, chunter)
Stay unflappable.

Practice the hard stare.
When asked difficult questions,
Wield it freely.

“More next week. Stick it in the diary.

“See you!

See Yi-Oh x

https://twominutemanagerblog.wordpress.com/

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Back on the Bus

Back on the bus.
It’s been a while.
Iron the shirt.
Paint on smile.

Kids off to school.
Wife drives to work.
Last one out.
Only perk.

Walk to the stop.
No one there.
Bus due in two.
Stand and stare.

Bus pulls up.
Choose my seat.
Wrinkle nose.
Sweat in heat.

Back on the bus.
The bus is back.
Track-led life.
My life on track.

 

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Picture credit: flickr.com/photos/thelightningman/7611029216

 

 

5 Reasons I’d Like To Give For NOT Going To Work Tomorrow

Reasons I’d like to give for not going back to work tomorrow, after the summer holidays:

1- I need a few more days growth on my holiday beard before I can be seen in public with it

2- My tan is peeling. That’s a medical thing, right?

3- My body’s still on Venezuelan time (true, we didn’t leave the country, but no one needs to know that)

4- My cat is still angry after spending a week with the in-laws. I need time to re-bond.

5- The laundry mountain toppled over, pinning me to the floor (wearing emergency underwear… My mother will be ashamed)

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https://www.flickr.com/photos/thecarol/2406514773 /Creative Commons… although I have an identical pair of flip-flops… 🙂