Keeping it social…

Happy New Year everyone!

I’ve got some big plans for this year, and am going through some of the admin pain of putting those in motion at the moment… more details to follow when it gets more interesting! 2018 saw me publish not one but two books, headline my first poetry events, and perform at a host of wonderful events, in fields, barns, cellars, pubs and caves. Expect 2019 to have even more of this, but spreading my wings further afield from my home town of Nottingham. I don’t believe in resolutions, but if I wanted to describe my plans for 2019 in a single word, it would be…”BIGGER!”

Onwards, and hopefully upwards…

I’ve just started using the Instagram account I’ve had for a while, so thought this would be a good time to signpost to some of my social media links, for those who are interested.

You can find me all over!
https://www.facebook.com/AlistairLaneWrites/
https://twitter.com/AlistairLane
https://www.instagram.com/lane.alistair/
Or on youtube

Haiku of the Dead, the essential guide to surviving the rise of the zombies in glorious technicolor haiku with dollops of humour, is available globally from amazon – just amend the specific amazon bit of the web address in the links below if you’re not in the UK or US, or search for Alistair Lane (there’s only one of me, it seems!):
UK – https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B07K1Q8MKY
US – https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07K1Q8MKY

And if you hate amazon, but are desperate to prepare yourself for Z-Day, drop me an email and I’ll arrange something for you… I’ll leave no blogger behind!

So if you had to describe your goals/plans/aims for 2019 in one word, what word would you use? Let me know below!

HOTD 2019 poster

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Haiku of the Dead… in paperback!

Drum roll please… the paperback version of Haiku of the Dead is now (finally) available! For all your post-apocalyptic needs… and I do mean all of them!
 
And if you’re not sure about buying it, maybe this little video will persuade you, one way or the other…

 

haiku of the dead cover pic

Zombie Zombie Zombie!

Yes, that’s right, Halloween’s coming, so it’s time to talk zombies… And the value for money in this post is incredible. Not one, but two, yes a whole two!, zombie items to share!

First up is a plug… long time readers may remember an A to Z challenge I completed some time ago, on the theme of surviving the zombie holocaust…in haiku form… Well, I’ve written a bunch of new ones and collected them all together, and will be publishing these on Amazon IMMINENTLY (ie when I get a spare few hours in the next week) as … THE HAIKU OF THE DEAD….

Here’s the cover reveal, for those who like that sort of thing…

haiku of the dead cover pic

And to whet your appetite for all things zombie, here is a NEW zombie poem. Over a few drinks in a bar, I joked to some fellow poets that most of my stuff in my first collection was either about cats or zombies… so they challenged me to write about zombie cats… This was the result. I hope you like it. 🙂

Zombie Pet Store

Went down to the zombie pet store
To pick myself a pet
(There’s not the widest choice of these,
So you take what you can get)

A zombie goldfish seemed too lame:
I wanted something cooler!
Some creature that could scare my sis,
Lure her in and fool her…

A zombie guinea pig could be fun
With their amped-up feral nature.
As long as it’s fed some daily flesh,
It’s never gonna hate ya…

Or a zombie hamster spinning ‘round
Within its blood-stained wheel?
Perhaps a zombie bunny
Trying to make you its next meal?

Zombie dogs are a big no-go:
Too strong to be man’s best friend.
Even with a muzzle on,
Spot will eat you, in the end.

But zombie cats? That’s where it’s at,
On this, can we agree?
They’ve the same sense of superiority
And indifference to humanity

Although the purring and the miaowing
Is now more like …growling
After brutal night-time killing sprees,
There’s the same old midnight howling!

So, it’s time to make your choice:
Buying a zom-pet is no game.
But whether a cat’s alive or undead,
Its behaviour’s just the same!

The Mankini…

This is possibly the poem I am most (in)famous for, here in Nottingham… I’ve included the video of me performing this at the Jam Cafe earlier this month too 🙂

HALLOWEEN HORROR!

It started as a joke
Then grew into a dare
It *may* have been the alcohol
When I agreed to wear
… the mankini

Now, for those who do not know,
A mankini’s quite the thing
(Picture me in a posing pouch
Pulled up tight with bright green string)

My abs are long since absent
The six pack’s more a barrel
And without getting into fat shaming
There’s too much padding in this saddle
… the mankini

It barely hides my wedding tackle
But bares the rest for all
All this hairy flesh, all this…
And an unmanly spread … of balls

You see, I’ll never be a swordsman
No Don Juan legendary lover.
If your body’s a lethal weapon,
I’m more like Danny Glover.

But a dare’s a dare and that’s that
You’ve got to live by a code.
Well, you’ve got to tell yourself something
When your ass cheeks are on show…

So, a distinctive Halloween outfit…
But it’s not easy trick or treating
On a cold, dark night in autumn
With cock and balls retreating!

 

Liked this? Why not treat yourself to a copy of a whole book! https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/192658522744 

Toothpaste

This is the real reason kids should put the lid back on the toothpaste:

When you’ve carefully brushed your teeth,
Put the lid back on the paste.
This isn’t to stop it drying out…
It’s because spiders love the taste!

Pets and their owners

They say that pets look like their owners… This is called “my cat’s a sexy motherf*cker”

Your dachshund may be a darling
And your terrier drive a truck
You may think your pet’s amazing…
But mine’s as sexy as f*ck

So your gerbil’s got some game
And your schnauzer isn’t a schmuck
Your pets each have their qualities…
Mine’s as sexy as f*ck

You may really dig your degu
Think your Pekinese is full of pluck
I couldn’t be any happier for you…
But mine’s as sexy as f*ck

Your ferret may bring you good fortune
And your black cat carry good luck
I’ve won the bloody lottery, mate…
‘cause mine’s as sexy as F*CK!

catwoman-1741484_1280

My cat, this afternoon

 

Me, Me, Me

I attended a poetry workshop on Saturday, as part of the Nottingham Poetry Festival. I’m barely home this week for going to various poetry gigs (sadly not performing, but am hoping that will come), and consider myself blessed to live in such a poetry-hungry city!

At this workshop, I wrote a number of poems that will eventually see the light of day on this blog. This was written for the opening exercise, to write a tanka to introduce ourselves. I wrote two… the second explains why!

Really a rhymer
Who then got hooked on haiku.
In recovery.
I’ve been clean for a year.
Damn! I’m back on the wagon!

I love a challenge.
Stupidly competitive.
Fitting these words in
Gives me great satisfaction,
When the syllables all fit

🙂

 

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