Careers Advice for the Chosen One

In my head at least, this is a lost Monty Python sketch… you may prefer it had remained lost!


Come in! Please! Come, take a seat. Tell me, what can I do for you?

STUDENT: (entering)
Well, it kinda says on the door… I was after some career guidance.

Of course! Wonderful that young people are so proactive these days. What sort of career or careers have taken your interest?

Only the one career.

Very decisive of you. And that one is?

Chosen one.

Chosen one?

Yes, that’s right, chosen one.

(pauses) You are looking at a career as…the chosen one?

It’s a calling. I’ve been called.

(hesitant) You’ve been called… Have there been any signs? Any miracles? Any unexplained phenomena?

An electronic gate. It opened automatically for me.

Lots of gates do that.

This one didn’t have a sensor. It just opened. For me.

There could be lots of perfectly reasonable, rational explanations for that gate opening. Malfunction, for example. A short circuit. Some electrical disturbance.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Well, it really isn’t much to go on now, is it? Have there been any other incidents?

I stopped a bus.

You stopped a bus?

Is there an echo in here? Yes. I stopped a bus. It was coming towards me in the road, and I put my hand out in front of it, onto the windscreen, and stopped it.

Were you at a pedestrian crossing?


Is it possible, in any way, that this bus was, perhaps, stopping anyway to allow pedestrians, such as yourself, to cross the aforementioned road?

(snorts) It’s possible.

Ok… anything else? Two pieces of evidence you see, if such they are, is hardly conclusive. Even sainthood needs three miracles these days.

No, just the two.

Well, as your careers guidance counsellor (gestures to the sign on the door), let me counsel you then to go out into the world, do good deeds, a bit of helping the meek, making sure you recycle, save the planet… generally live a good life. You could start by volunteering at a charity shop?

A charity shop! I come in here telling you that I’m the child of a supreme creator, and you want me to volunteer in some dingy charity shop? (getting increasingly irate) “Here, Jesus, come down off that mount and stop sermonising, Mrs Jones wants her Dan Brown boxset bagged up”… “Never mind that restituting the meek malarkey, how much are the Princess Diana tea plates?” For the last time, stop healing the blind and the lame, there’s a queue of irate pensioners at the till and they’re getting hangry!” (storms out)

(to camera) That’s the problem with kids today. Want it all on a plate… Next!



I was born a bonny zombie baby
It’s the only life I’ve known
But years and moons have passed since then
How I’ve zombie-grown!

Growing up sure ain’t easy
Juicy brains don’t come for free
And there’s no chance those screaming humans
Will ever let me be!

See, I’ve never craved attention
I just want an axe-free life
Somewhere peaceful in the country
Where I can find a loving, kind, decaying wife

I never knew my zombie father
Spent no childhood catching ball
No mother there to catch me
When rotting limbs would fall

And I don’t know if you’ve noticed
But zombie role models are lacking
We’re just used in films to show off
The hero’s muscles as they’re hacking

And don’t you see the irony
In claiming we love brains
Then trying to bash our heads in.
It’s prejudice ingrained!

I don’t wanna fight you.
Set aside your sword.
Quit swinging that bloody baseball bat.
Let’s sit, and have a word.

I know my tongue’s necrotic
But there’s a message ‘neath my growling
If only you would listen, really listen,
We could end this midnight prowling

Our demands are very few:
Just leave us all alone,
In basements, malls or graveyards,
Where we can rot and roam.

We’re the next step in evolution:
These are Darwinian growing pains.
We don’t want to harm you

We just want to eat your brains!




Beware the Chocolate Spiders!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The haunting time of year!
When chocolate spiders hatch,
Spreading candy fear!

You may think that’s just a costume,
A Halloween disguise
But take a second look:
Count that creature’s eyes!

Don’t think of trick OR treat:
To them it’s all the same!
Weaving caramel webs
Around your window frame…

Lurking in the darkness…
Hiding out of sight…
Then dropping down in front of you
Giving you a FRIGHT!

You yelp and drop your candy;
Sprint off down the street
Those spiders give a cackle
And eat up every treat!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The chocolate spider scare!


Message In A Bottle

Today is National Poetry Day – be sure to join in!

This year’s theme is messages…

When I was but a teenage boy,
I left a message in a bottle.
I wasn’t one for thinking then,
Living life full throttle.

I tossed it far off to the sea,
Watched it float away.
Wondering who would find it:
What on earth they’d say!

Much to my surprise,
Years later, fully grown,
The postie brought my bottle back:
“Return to sender:
address unknown



Picture credit:

Mixed-Up Matt

This is an older piece that I started but never finished at the time. I don’t often come back to poems once they’ve been lit and fizzled out… but thought I’d try with this one. Hopefully this will raise some smiles 🙂


Mixed-up Matt is all over the place :
the confusion’s as plain as the nose on his face.
Pity that nose isn’t in the usual space…

He has an ear for a nose, and a nose for an ear,
where you might smell, he would hear.
It’s all such a muddle, so very queer!

His fingers and toes are swapped around,
which comes in handy in the playground,
giving him chance to act the clown!

His nipples and knees, would you believe
(unless my eyes do greatly deceive)…
Such a world of wonder, tucked up his sleeve!

Finally now, it has to be shared,
his ass and his elbow are awkwardly paired…
But mixed-up Matt – he couldn’t have cared

For, with a song in his heart, the words all a jumble,
Matt wasn’t one to give in and grumble
And though his smile be upside down
His way to happiness may yet be found 🙂



I’m not stuck in traffic
I’m in the middle of a convoy
Of people throwing me a party
It’ll all be hale and hearty
We can’t wait to get it started
Any time

It must be a surprise
That’s why they avoid my eyes
Not to give the game away

I’m not stuck in traffic
It’s just a celebration
We’re causing consternation
All across the nation
At this time

We’ll celebrate our cars
The queue goes back to Mars
Everyone just wants to be involved

No, I’m not stuck in traffic
It’s a crazy conga line
Everybody’s feeling fine
Dance-driving on their mind
For today

The beeping sets the beat
For the tapping of our feet
Upon the brakes

I may be stuck in traffic

I may be stuck in traffic,
for a while



Picture credit:

Love Crazy

I’ve gone crazy for a lady
I’m loved up and I’m shady
I’m absolutely gaga for this girl

I’ve gone loopy for a lass
My mind’s in a morass
I’m absolutely wappy for this woman

I don’t know what to do
I think she feels it too
I’m absolutely potty for this peach

I’m a palpitating mess
Because this one is the best
I’m totally bananas about this belle

She’s always on my mind
But I’m feeling in a bind
Because I’m absolutely nutty… about you



Picture credit:

Written for my week of Summer Lovin’🙂

Comedy Book Week!

For those who may have missed it, over the past week I’ve been supporting Comedy Book Week, interviewing a bunch of talented authors in my own inimitable style…

I’ll introduce them by their superhero handles. Comedy Avengers, Assemble!

There was: The Geoffle (power – to turn off all mobile devices, especially on public transport )

20/20, power – the superpower of going back in time to fix things with the benefit of perfect hindsight

Carb-O, the world’s greatest gobbler of snacky treats.

The Transliterator – to hear people’s words without getting lost behind our own filters and perspectives


Captain Nothing, “the dude who made The Batman pee in his bat jockies.”

Some great entertainment, and links to FREE books here! 🙂