Beware the Chocolate Spiders!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The haunting time of year!
When chocolate spiders hatch,
Spreading candy fear!

You may think that’s just a costume,
A Halloween disguise
But take a second look:
Count that creature’s eyes!

Don’t think of trick OR treat:
To them it’s all the same!
Weaving caramel webs
Around your window frame…

Lurking in the darkness…
Hiding out of sight…
Then dropping down in front of you
Giving you a FRIGHT!

You yelp and drop your candy;
Sprint off down the street
Those spiders give a cackle
And eat up every treat!

Beware! Beware! Beware!
The chocolate spider scare!



Message In A Bottle

Today is National Poetry Day – be sure to join in!

This year’s theme is messages…

When I was but a teenage boy,
I left a message in a bottle.
I wasn’t one for thinking then,
Living life full throttle.

I tossed it far off to the sea,
Watched it float away.
Wondering who would find it:
What on earth they’d say!

Much to my surprise,
Years later, fully grown,
The postie brought my bottle back:
“Return to sender:
address unknown



Picture credit:

Mixed-Up Matt

This is an older piece that I started but never finished at the time. I don’t often come back to poems once they’ve been lit and fizzled out… but thought I’d try with this one. Hopefully this will raise some smiles 🙂


Mixed-up Matt is all over the place :
the confusion’s as plain as the nose on his face.
Pity that nose isn’t in the usual space…

He has an ear for a nose, and a nose for an ear,
where you might smell, he would hear.
It’s all such a muddle, so very queer!

His fingers and toes are swapped around,
which comes in handy in the playground,
giving him chance to act the clown!

His nipples and knees, would you believe
(unless my eyes do greatly deceive)…
Such a world of wonder, tucked up his sleeve!

Finally now, it has to be shared,
his ass and his elbow are awkwardly paired…
But mixed-up Matt – he couldn’t have cared

For, with a song in his heart, the words all a jumble,
Matt wasn’t one to give in and grumble
And though his smile be upside down
His way to happiness may yet be found 🙂



I’m not stuck in traffic
I’m in the middle of a convoy
Of people throwing me a party
It’ll all be hale and hearty
We can’t wait to get it started
Any time

It must be a surprise
That’s why they avoid my eyes
Not to give the game away

I’m not stuck in traffic
It’s just a celebration
We’re causing consternation
All across the nation
At this time

We’ll celebrate our cars
The queue goes back to Mars
Everyone just wants to be involved

No, I’m not stuck in traffic
It’s a crazy conga line
Everybody’s feeling fine
Dance-driving on their mind
For today

The beeping sets the beat
For the tapping of our feet
Upon the brakes

I may be stuck in traffic

I may be stuck in traffic,
for a while



Picture credit:

Love Crazy

I’ve gone crazy for a lady
I’m loved up and I’m shady
I’m absolutely gaga for this girl

I’ve gone loopy for a lass
My mind’s in a morass
I’m absolutely wappy for this woman

I don’t know what to do
I think she feels it too
I’m absolutely potty for this peach

I’m a palpitating mess
Because this one is the best
I’m totally bananas about this belle

She’s always on my mind
But I’m feeling in a bind
Because I’m absolutely nutty… about you



Picture credit:

Written for my week of Summer Lovin’🙂

Comedy Book Week!

For those who may have missed it, over the past week I’ve been supporting Comedy Book Week, interviewing a bunch of talented authors in my own inimitable style…

I’ll introduce them by their superhero handles. Comedy Avengers, Assemble!

There was: The Geoffle (power – to turn off all mobile devices, especially on public transport )

20/20, power – the superpower of going back in time to fix things with the benefit of perfect hindsight

Carb-O, the world’s greatest gobbler of snacky treats.

The Transliterator – to hear people’s words without getting lost behind our own filters and perspectives


Captain Nothing, “the dude who made The Batman pee in his bat jockies.”

Some great entertainment, and links to FREE books here! 🙂